What if they remade “Modern Family” in India?

First of all it won’t be a comedy. It will be a soap opera. Soapiest of the operas. With a lot of changes. A bloody hell lot of changes!

1. Pritchets would be Parashars, needless to say a rich business family and you would never know (in the course of its 14836392 episodes) what in God’s name is the damn business.
2. Jay Pritchet would be Jai Parashar and he would have at least 2 brothers. (yes, no sisters because on Indian TV you are more likely to have brothers than sisters, unless the serial is about the sister!) Of course the brothers would have their own families and everyone would be living under a single roof (of a giant-ass bungalow named ‘Parashar Villa’). Half of those 14836392 episodes would be spent in family preparing to cook meals, cooking those meals, eating them, praising the ‘Bahus’ for preparing the meals and taking second helpings of their ‘manpasand gajar-ka-halwa’.
3. Gloria would be a South Indian named Gauri (or Gayatri). She would have a thick Tamil accent and would not be half the age of Jai because on Indian TV even if people marry twice (oh you’ve no idea how many times they marry on TV!) they marry someone their age. And there always is some one willing to marry a widow or widower.
4. Dunphys would be Dubeys and this family would be more or less same. Phil would be Phani, Claire would be Cauvery and theirs would be an arranged marriage because, obviously! And oh yes, Haley won’t have any affairs because teenagers on Indian TV are supposed to be either gentle, docile, God (and parents) fearing, moral cardboard characters or aggressive, conniving, amoral cardboard characters and lest you forget, cardboard characters can’t have relationships.
5. Cam and Mitch won’t be gays. Cam would be a woman, named Kamya and they would be married because on Indian TV a) you can’t be a gay character and b) you definitely can’t be living in with your partner even if you are not gay. Kamya’s parents would be more important characters and they would definitely be taking more interest in their daughter’s life and her share in Parashar’s business and money. Because on Indian TV, in-laws are either back-slapping, merrily-laughing, gajar-ka-halwa-munching ‘Samdhis’ or they are back-stabbing, scheming, scowling SOBs whose appearance is accompanied by evil music.
6. Luke would be the sharp one, not Alex. Because on Indian TV, how can the son not be the torch bearer.
7. There would background score. Plenty of it. The regular happy, sad, naughty (not THAT kind of naughty you know, nothin’ on Indian TV is THAT kind of naughty!), scheming music pieces along with that familiar ‘balle-balle’ sound everytime a Sikh guy shows up and a ‘hadippa’ everytime he opens his mouth. Basically any subtle moment would be dealt with a sledgehammer of background score, just in case you need to know what to feel when watching the show at any given time.
8. And last but definitely not the least it would be called ‘Family No. 1’. Because Indian TV loves its numbers and nothing on it can be modern anyways.

The makers of this show don’t need to worry about copyright issues. I am absolutely sure that ‘Modern Family’ writers won’t be able to pick any traces of their show from its Indianized version.

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Is KBC a chat show now?

Like millions of Indians, I too have always liked watching KBC (Even when SRK was hosting it and even though  I hated that 'Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls', the phrase which Indigo's Flight Crew seems to have picked up.) and tried to be on the show (all those SMSs coming to naught!)

For me the star of the show was not Amitabh Bachchan but the content (Senior Bachchan is omnipresent on the TV anyways!). It were the questions. The fun of testing one's own wits against that of the contestant. The thrill of knowing whether the answer was right or wrong. Gloating when it was right and nodding somberly ("Ahh, I was thinking of that one!") when you got it wrong. That was the fun.

In previous season, even though KBC threatened of being an extension of UPA's poverty eradication programs with virtually every episode featuring contestant who seemed to be screened after a look at their bank balance (and perhaps their 'Below Poverty Line' certificate) and being a showcase of their sob stories (I admit, some of the sob stories were touching), the show worked because the content was strong. There was no compromise on quality and quantity of questions.

But this year, the emphasis seems to be on chit-chat of the contestants with Mr. Bachchan. There is so much conversation that there is hardly enough time for questions. We know that contestants want to spend a lot of time with Mr Bachchan and talk to him, pay their (and their family and extended family members' and their locality's) tributes, express their love and admiration and talk about how they are the first person/boy/girl/woman/(any other gender) from their state/district/city/town/village/block/mohalla (thankfully we don't have any foreigners or aliens else we would have 'first person from Bhutan' or 'Neptune') to 'reach this stage', but there is only these many times when one can watch some one gushing over 'Sadi ke Mahanayak' and how they have already won a crore just by meeting him. (Curiously the contestants of 'Ghar Baithe Jeeto Jackpot' on the show give precisely this reason whether they play or don't play for the jackpot question!)

The fact that almost all the contestants seem to be competing with each others in indulging in what can only be called extreme flattery doesn't add to the watchability quotient. Add to this the sob stories which seem to have been concocted just to fill in the template of the show.

In a 90 minute episode of which perhaps 40 minutes (or what seems to be atleast 40 minutes!) are dedicated  to ads. Sony is the only network whose HD channel has as long ad breaks as its SD counterpart and what's worse is that the ad breaks on HD channel show only the trailers of its own now-pretty-much-horrible shows.

Unfortunately KBC-6 has become a two-way chat show questions and answers thrown in, rather than the quiz show it was intended to be. 

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What happened to Imagine TV?

After watching first episode Imagine TV's new reality show 'Gazab Desh Ki Ajab Kahaniyan' (which seemed a rehashed version of its own earlier show 'Rakhee Ka Insaaf' which was infact an Indianised version of 'Judge Amy' on CBS-TV) I felt a tinge of sadness.

Now I understand that after watching a show starring Rakhee

Sawant (who must be now majority share holder or senior office bearer in Imagine TV, if regularity or importance of her shows are any indicators) you can feel anything but sadness. But I felt sad for

the channel. It's like seeing your favorite and once bright student in class getting ruined.

Imagine TV was once my favorite. When launched as NDTV Imagine with much fanfare and Karan Johar as an associate (which meant Karan used to host a show) the channel's line up was so different from its contemporaries and competitors that it was a study in contrast from other newly launched 9X. While 9X had same kind of saas-bahu serials that were running on other leading GECs Star Plus, Zee and Sony, Imagine had a refreshing mix of programs.

The soaps (few of which were women-oriented) had a completely different and fresh feel to them courtesy, a mature treatment and urban setting which ensured that the channel didn't look like yet another GEC clone. And then there were reality shows most notable of which was Farhan

Akhtar's 'Oye It's Friday'. High on production values and higher on entertainment quotient OIF was the crown prince of Imagine's lineu

p. But the show which brought maximum TRP to the channel was a new version of 'Ramayan'! Produced by Sagar Entertainment which kept the style of the show EXACTLY similar to the original series, success of 'Ramayan' surprised everyone. It showed that the channel management was ready to balance between new and old ideas and have a healthy mix of both.

But it seemed the soaps were ahead of their times because it was still the age of 'Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki' and 'Kyunki..'. Sony had not reformed itself and though clearly ahead of 9X and Real (which hardly was a blip on the GEC radar) Imagine's successes were limited. And with big bang-big budget arrival of Colors even the leader was threatened.

Imagine's shows too began to follow the 'market trend'. If rural setting was in fashion, then we had a village. If social issues were the trend, we had a bunch of those. If middle class was in vogue, then we had a middle class belle. "If you can't beat them, join them" was the mantra. While surfing apart from channel logo, there was nothing in Imagine's programming which would differentiate it from any other GEC.

And then somewhere down the line 'Rakhee Ka Swayamvar' happened! This was both good and bad for the channel. Good because it gave tremendous TRP. Headlines Today (a laggard in English News Channels) topped the tables that week just because they gave the finale of the show massive coverage!!

Bad because it started a trend of bad reality shows on the channel. 'Raaz Pichhle Janam Ka' was another annual atrocity and then last year we had a lame 'Zor Ka Jhatka' (Indianised version of 'Total Wipeout') which even SRK couldn't salvage.

Imagine CEO Sameer Nair had said in an interview once that they want to settle as a competitive 4th or easy 5th (meaning just after Star,Zee, Colors and Sony and well ahead of others) but latest reports say that even Star One and SAB TV beat his channel comprehensively.

And I guess now their hopes are pinned on loudmouth Rakhee who is back on Imagine in a show ('Gazab Desh..) whose PR was focussing around her demands for a particular type of underwear! How low can you stoop...Imagine!

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MasterChef India: Same bland taste of Reality Shows!

A housewife from Varanasi proudly proclaims, with suitable sombre music in background, "I was born in a small village. I have no background (wonder what that means!) and I have reached this position. It is a big achievement for me." Well if her achievement was appearing on the TV, my achievement was not losing sanity after watching umpteen claims of 'big achievement' of being on national TV by virtue of participating in a reality show.

Well you can surely call it a case of sour grapes since I have never been even on local TV, forget national, by participating in a reality TV show or without it, which I haven't. (may be because neither have I talent enough to win bouquets nor courage enough to face brickbats)

The point is that MasterChef India (it's not a COPY of MasterChef Australia, it's a licensed Indian version. If you want to know what is a copy, then watch Knock Out, which is a COPY of Phone Booth) is just like any other reality show. There is so much talk of making itihaas and showing junoon and being a soldier in jung ka maidaan that Chhatteesgarh Police can hire the writers of MasterChef India to motivate its embattled jawaans.

Fremantle India was perhaps not sure that the concept would work if the judges were noted chefs and food critics only or maybe this is another must have ingredient of Indian reality shows, a film star, whose role has been played by Akshaye Kumar in this case. His presence is justified by repeatedly telling us that he once worked in a Bangkok restaurant. Come to think of it, Vir Sanghvi may have won Cointreau Award for Best Food Literature Book but is he even one tenth as dishy as Akshaye?

(Wait a second, having a film star as host also means you can spend some airtime with all those "I love you Askshaye" shouts and "aaj meri zindagi kee sabse badi tamanna poori ho gayee" sobs.)

Other two judges are noted (must be among chef community and five star hotel crowd) chefs Ajay Chopra and Kunal Kapoor. I guess the people working on dressing up these gentlemen decided to spice up (pun intended) their looks because I believe Kunal doesn't really wear a blue suit, yes this blue and Ajay doesn't sport that spiky hair coupled with that shiny grey blazer on his way to work every day. And the writers decided that Akshay is not going to be the only one to be delivering the dialogues so Kunal mouthed inanities like 'Har kitchen ka ek hi badmaash hota hai aur is kitchen ka badmaash main hoon.' Now take that SRK.

Comparing with its Australian cousin, everything in MasterChef India is over the top. The background score is loud. Judges, specially the chefs, seem to be trying too hard to look and sound menacing. And as I mentioned earlier the sermons of Lord Akshay are too boring.

Well it's early days for MasterChef India and there are still lot of eggs (and hearts!) to be broken. Let's just hope Star (both the channel and Akshaye) keep the show watchable.

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Tata Sky piggy backs on IPL

As soon as the IPL is about to begin, the GECs (General Entertainment Channels like Colors, Zee, Star Plus, Imagine, Sony) begin to worry about their loyal viewers (read Saas-Bahu watching junta) will be denied their staple diet of soaps due to younger lot hell bent on watching the T20 matches.

Read the full post on my new blog 'Ad and Subtract'.

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Coming Soon: Rahul Mahajan Ka Swayamvar

Whether or not UPA Govt. is taking austeroty measures to superlative degree remains a matter of debate but wise men and women at NDTV Imagine have certainly taken gender equality to highest possible degree for sure.

So here it goes. After Rakhi Ka Swayamvar which presented us about a dozen men who could have been nominated for Red and White Bravery Awards, only if they were not nominated for Yellow and Black Stupidity Award, NDTV Imagine decided to fire up our imagination with about a dozen dumb belles.

Afterall why should only men be allowed to make a fool of themselves. Even women should be given opportunity to be called publicity hungry jerks who want to build a 'Dil Ka Rishta' (quoting Rakhi 'the original' Sawant) with a former drug-addict. Ok, he may have kicked that habit, but what about kicking his wife?

I don't want to stick my neck out to predict how good or bad the show will fare out in its second season as compared to the first, but Rahul Mahajan is perhaps a male version of Rakhi Sawant. Not that Mahajan dances in mini-skirts as item girl and definitely not that Rakhi beat her boyfriend in presence of cameras unlike Mahajan who beat his wife in their absence.

So women of India. Here is your chance to show how hungry you are for cheap publicity. Hope you leave nothing to Imagine!

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"Wanted" a "Pokiri" review?

Telugu "Pokiri" starring Mahesh Babu was the first Telugu movie I watched in a cinema. And I wrote a review much to amusement of everyone. Yesterday I reading Rajeev Masand' review of "Wanted", I felt that just by changing actors' names in my "Pokiri" review, it can be passed as "Wanted" review! Read it here.

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News Television Awards 2008

I am an avid watcher of happennings in news media and so when the season's first awards for news television were given I was watching them closely. Here is my 'analysis' of this year's News Television Awards given by IndianTelevision.com.

(Complete list of winners here)

A look at award categories makes you wonder why we have got so many variants of 'Best Channel' awards. There are three kind of best channels if you please:
> Most Popular (Hindi/English) News Channel
> Numero Uno (Hindi/English/Business) News Channel
> Best News Channel (Critics' Choice) - (Hindi/English/Business)

Can someone please explain to me what is meant by Critics' Choice awards for news television? Is News TV a cinematic experience that is appreciated differently by different people hence difference between jury's and critics' choice?

And why are 'Most Popular' channels being awarded? Are they not making enough advertising revenue by flashing their TAM Ratings. (If you didn't know, this award was actually based on TAM ratings!) And that is making even more confused. Times Now keeps on showing off higher TAM rating than NDTV 24x7 and CNN-IBN then why was NDTV 24x7 and not Times Now given the 'Most Popular English News Channel' award? (Was it because Times channel was to be conferred with Best News Channel (Critics' Choice) English award?). 'Aaj Tak' was most popular hindi news channel.




Whatever is meant by 'Numero Uno' channel, CNN-IBN and NDTV India won in english and hindi categories respectively. Modesty is one factor that you should not associate with CNN-IBN. A day after their victory, the news headline on their site was: 'Deja vú: IBNLive.com, CNN-IBN win NT awards again '. Ohh such arrogance! NDTV India was sober as always in their celebration.

But what was most surprising was that three channels shared Numero Uno business channel: NDTV Profit, CNBC TV18 (which also won critics' choice award for best business channel) and CNBC Awaz!

Overall NDTV channels won 25 of the 47 awards and Network 18 channels won 21 (why was news scroller on CNN-IBN claiming that Network 18 has won maximum awards?). UTVi, News X and Voice Of India were chosen as the channels to watch out for in the coming year.
Shekhar Suman managed to get Star News on the tally being best anchor for an entertainment show. Zee News anchor Romana Issar got 'The Indiantelevision.Com Editor's Special Award for Excellence as an Anchor'.

Talking about Hindi channels, NDTV India eclipsed every other channel in programming as well as anchors. It won 13 awards far ahead of Aaj Tak (4), IBN 7(3), Star News (1) and Zee News (1).

Among English channels CNN-IBN(11) lead the pack followed by NDTV 24x7 (8) and Times Now(1) . NDTV Profit (4) won the contest against CNBC-TV18(3) and CNBC Awaz (3) in the business channel arena.

While it was heartening to see the only hindi 'news' channel win really big, I felt the english awards being a tool for appeasing everyone! Let's hope that winners prove themselves worthy of awards and runners up give them a run for their money in coming year, because a good media is good for everyone.

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Poll results from the Newsroom.

One of the things I love watching on news channels is election coverage. Be it the exit polls before counting or the marathon coverage on the counting day (which earlier used to be days, before electronic voting machines became norm)

In mid-late 90s when channels like Zee News and Star News (when NDTV used to produce content for them!) were threatening Doordarshan as prime and more dependable source of independent news and Aaj Tak was just a half hour news show, TV Today used to produce the election specials for DD. Since there was no separate DD channel for news, the election special was shown on DD National channel only and since we didn't have cable connection (we were 'santusht' without cable, you see!) we had no option but to watch this only for nearly 3 days or as long as counting went on.

I used to watch this, not because I was very much engrossed in politics, ofcourse I liked keeping up with that too, but because I liked watching the sets, the graphics, the interface of analysis and results being shown, the anchors talking live with the correspondents and the overall energy of the show which kept the show interesting despite too many talks and discussions. Sometimes there was a piece in newspaper which talked about election coverage by channels and secretly I felt good when DD was praised for its accurate exit polls or good interface for wins/leads tally.

Later when I could watch other channels as well, a favorite activity was comparing these things on all of those!

On 25th May, it was counting day in Karnataka and all the news channels were in election mode. And I got busy with my favorite activity!

NDTV 24x7's coverage was lively with Prannoy Roy, Barkha Dutt and Srinivasan Jain handling the affairs. Their graphics were perhaps the best but just why they didn't show other parties' figures in their seats tally?

On CNN-IBN Yogendra Yadav wore his usual Kurta Payjama and academic attitude and was generally likeable as always but Rajdeep Sardesai was shouting (as always!) so much that I had to switch channels! The channel tried to spice up its coverage but frankly I was not interested in watching mostly because their tally and leads/wins scroller was so small that I could hardly see anything.

On Times Now Arnab Goswami and his team (sorry I know no one else there!) seemed to be conducting a solemn ceremony even when they were accompanied by politicians who seemed to get in that solemn mood as well! Their interface was very neat, big and clear but they were slow with their updates.

On Aaj Tak Deepak Chaurasia, Ajay Kumar and Prabhu Chawla sat on a set with an animated background which made me think for a moment that it was a F1 show. NDTV India wore a deserted look with Vinod Dua and A.... talking to Abhishek Singhvi and a JDS leader on a very regular set. Star News had horribly opulent graphics and animated set resembled an amphitheater, add to this 'Azeem-o-shaan' tune in the background!

And last but not the least, telugu channels namely ETV2, NTV and TV5 seemed to be miles ahead in their seat updates (at one stage when NDTV, Aaj Tak and Now were on 161/224, these channels had figures of 191/224) but their figures were very unstable and changed every two seconds, so after a moment of awe I decided to ignore them.

But the disappointment of the day was DD News with its ghastly sets and terrible colors. What a heartbreak!

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'Paanchvi Pass' Facebook Application fails.

Now that IPL has generated massive interest across the country and is getting headline coverage across news channels, the general entertainment channels are leaving no stones unturned to ensure that their programs get viewer shares too.

Star Plus is launching new reality game show based on super successful 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?' hosted by Shahrukh Khan, 'Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hai?'. Star has launched a Facebook application called 'Paanchvi Pass' which promises to give you loads of prizes if you answer all the questions correcly.All very good. I played the quiz and at most times ignored the fact that questions were no where related to syllabus of fifth class. However the problem is that some questions have wrong answers!

For example, the game tells you that first novel of James Bond series is 'Diamonds are Forever'.Actually it is 'Casino Royale'. Kolar is famous for its gold mines not Copper, the right answer would have been 'Khetri'.

These are only two of the bloopers I noticed. There can be many. I wanted to,but could not find any link for feedback. Even finding contest rules is a challenge!

It is a good idea and may be I wouldn't have written this post, had there been no talk of any prize or anything. For those who like quizzing it would have been a good timepass but when there is booty involved, you must have your house in order else you are cheating your users.

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