Crickwitty! Witty tweets on cricket.

Ever since Pitch-Invasion.in started #crickwit contest I have put my witty cap on and the result has not been too bad (atleast I think so!) since I was declared crickwitter of the day on two days. Here are some of the tweets hashtagged with #crickwit.

Tell me if you like them!

Punjab team openers consume too much power. One is an AC (Gilchrist) and other is a PC (valthaty)!

30 Apr (KKR vs KXIP)

Now I understand why Queen didn't invite anybody from Punjab team to #RoyalWedding. Afterall they are "King's Eleven"!

30 Apr (KKR vs KXIP)

Did Abhimanyu Mithun learn Disco steps when he was in the womb.

29 Apr (PW vs RCB)

How did Yuvi convince Subrat Roy to take Ryder? He said 'O ji, Jesse jaisi koi nahin'

29 Apr (PW vs RCB)

Now bookies can do spot fixing on things like 'will Deepika kiss Malya today or not' or 'how long the hug will be'!

29 Apr (PW vs RCB)

How much ever slow he may be playing, Pollard is the 'Asha ki Kieron' for Mumbai!

29 Apr (MI vs RR)

Anjali Tendulkar to Warne: pLiz don't hurl(y) any advice towards my husband!

29 Apr (MI vs RR)

If Mumbai lose today will everyone make fun of them saying 'Shane, Shane'

29 Apr (MI vs RR)

The fairplay award should go to Mumbai only. Afterall there is so much 'Sach' in Tendulkar!

29 Apr (MI vs RR)

At a time when Rajasthan Royals should have been trending, British Royals are! #RoyalWedding

29 Apr (MI vs RR)

Both KKR and DD do Brrrr, while their game makes their fans do grrr.

28 Apr (KKR vs DD)

KKR took Morgan hoping for More Gain but he is doing Merely Gone!

28 Apr (KKR vs DD)

Morne Morkel's form has been enough to get him called Mourn(e) Morkel!

28 Apr (KKR vs DD)

What is similarity between Manoj Tiwari,cricketer and Manoj Tiwari the Bhojpuri Singer? Kya yaar, same name hai aur kya!

28 Apr (KKR vs DD)

God forbid if India doesn't do well under new coach, he will be called 'Deccan' Fletcher!

27 Apr (KTK vs DC)

PW has taken players to match their horseman logo: A (Horse)Ryder,Prince (Yuvraaj) and even Robin(hood)!

27 Apr (PW vs CSK)

Pune Warriors have horse in their logo, but the team has become a one horse cart (or a one warrior army!)

27 Apr (PW vs CSK)

Chennai gets so much sun that they should be completely immune to harmful effects of 'Yuvi' rays!

27 Apr (PW vs CSK)

Since CSK has no maidens to support them like RR/RCB/KTK their bowlers have to bowl maidens to keep morale hight!

27 Apr (PW vs CSK)

New #IndiaCoach is quite old. I hope players don't call him Duncan Stretcher! #Fletcher

27 Apr

So should the players organize a party for the new coach since he is Duncan 'Fresher' #Fletcher #IndiaCoach

27 Apr

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More money-making ideas for IPL

"There is too much cricket in IPL!" The Fuhrer (Lalit Modi) said

"Citi moment of success for IPL!" shouted L Sivaram Krishnan. Fuhrer smiled at him. This chap is so devoted.

"No Siva. This is not success. If conducting cricket was our motive there is already so much international cricket. We need to generate more revenues."

"Oh you mean we need to have a DLF maximum of advertising." Shastri quipped. I can shout louder and speak more words than Siva.

Fuhrer gave a sharp glance to Shastri. Someone was right, when these people are good for nothing, they become commentators.

He looked at his trusted marketing team and they didn't disappoint him.

"Fuherer, I suggested this earlier. We should show ads after every ball rather than after 2-3 balls in the mid of over."

"Hmmm. You are right and in-commentary advertising too needs to be toned up. We are still sticking with Citi and DLF and this new Karbonn."

"We can rename a dot ball as DLF minimum." An intern said sheepishly. Everyone was taken aback by her quick thinking. Fuhrer smiled and nodded. "Excellent idea!"

Others in marketing team eyed the intern with envy, commentators eyed her with appreciation.

"Every ball can be called as a FedEx Sure delivery."

"Every good shot can be called as Cannon Powershot."

"Every four can be called as a Four Square four."

"Every stumping can be called a Samsung Sexy Stumping." To this someone said no no we can't allow a word like that on live TV. Someone or their dog is bound to get their sentiments hurt.

"Ok ok, we can call it Samsung Super Stumping."

"Every wide can be called as LG Extra Wide."

Sunil Gavaskar practiced in his mind.

"Kumble has got a nice start to his last over. His first two FedEx Sure deliveries have fetched DLF Minimums. This was a Canon Powershot from Voges and is it a DLF maximum, no its a Four Square Four. And that would be an LG Extra Wide on the leg side. A Googly and that's a Samsung Super Stumping by Boucher. Citi Moment of Success for Kumble."

"Every double can be called as Do-CoMo."

Fuhrer had to intervene now, "Fine fine. Commentary vocabulary is enough now. Think of something else."


After a moment of silence someone said "Field umpires can refer almost every decision to 3rd umpire who can take about a minute while we focus on the board and show ads apart from those of Kingfisher. Commentators can keep on saying that this looks close and 3rd umpire is taking a close look. Nobody will suspect anything!"

Fuhrer thought a bit and gave a nod. The man who gave idea sulked that Fuherer didn't praise him like he did the intern.

Someone else said "Generally every ground has 2 pitches. We can name the pitches like they name the ends. So for pitch 1 commentators can say we are playing on Airtel Pitch and pitch 2 can be called as Aircell Pitch or whatever."

The room echoed with praises for the idea-giver.

Fuhrer wasn't looking too happy and he gave vent to his final thought, "All good ideas, but there is still too much cricket in IPL!"

Sivaramkrishnan could not stop himself, "Now, that's a Karbonn Kamal Catch!"

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I demand my own state (comprises 2 localities in Hyderabad)

I am writing this post just to inform you guys that I am going to sit on a hunger strike after lunch today and won't eat anything till my demands are not met (or atleast till dinner time).

And before you start dubbing me (rightfully) publicity hungry (or some such adjective) let me tell you that my demands are perfectly valid. I am demanding for a new state on the same basis as all other new states are being demanded.

I want a new state for the areas of Kondapur and Madhapur in Hyderabad. (See map if you are not aware of the geography.) We call it 'Makonchal' . You will appreciate that this name follows the naming convention of North Indian states like Purvanchal, Mithilanchal, Uttaranchal. (MAdhapur+ KOndapur+Anchal see how ingenious!)

Below are the reasons why my demands must be met:

1) Since there are so many North Indians in this area, culture and language of this area is different from rest of Hyderabad and even from rest of AP/Telangana/Rayalseema/North Coastal AP/South Coastal AP/other 432517 divisions of AP. And how dare you suggest that we can live in harmony with rest of people who don't share these extremely critical properties of Humanity! If Garos and Khasis living in Meghalaya can demand for separate states why can't we. (Umm I guess number of Northies in Hyderabad would roughly be same as total population of Meghalaya..)

2) These areas are mostly occupied by upper and upper middle class people, so state gets more revenue from these areas which is 'diverted' to other areas of city and not utilized in 'development' of these areas. (Ignore the fact that most of the people here don't vote during elections!) No, I won't accept that analogy that Mumbai supports rest of Maharashtra. Call us selfish but our money is JUST our money. (You see the money from these areas is going in pockets of netas of other areas. What is this? Our money should go in the pockets of netas of our own area na!)

Now you see my point? Aren't my demands perfectly valid?

Umm, did I mention that I am ready to bear the responsibility of being the CM as well!

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Sign(Board) Language

All of us have seen roadside stalls selling 'Chinness' or 'Chinis' or 'Chinees' food or wine shops selling 'Child Bear'. They are not the only ones. Here is an assorted collection of others who brought a smile.

Where: Sector 62, Noida.

God knows what aafat (trouble in Hindi) befalls on the people who eat these parathas!

Where: Sector 62, Noida

He missed the word 'Chowk' but it is amply clear that he too dreams to make it big someday. Hopefully not like Akshay Kumar in that horrible movie!

Where: Aminabad, Lucknow

Now, this is taking honesty to extreme levels.

Where: Tribal Museum, Araku, Vizag

Wow, this is a crash course in euphemism writing I believe!

Where: Hogenakkal, Karnataka

A movie crazy parking owner?

Where: More store, Kondapur, Hyderabad

Just imagine if the X-Ray machine at some airport gets some snag and they put a sign like this one: "Due to technical problems, We can't scan you. Please Bare!" OMG!!!

Where: Mahabalipuram, Tamilnadu

They know that their stuff is not too good, so don't go overboard in praising ;)

Where: Juice shop, Kondapur, Hyderabad

"Pain Apple"?

This one truly brought a smile, not the sarcastic one, but one of real happiness. To see that some one in Railways was actually so compassionate and understanding that instead of using 'Physically challenged' or 'disabled' they used 'Differently Abled', which even Delhi Metro doesn't do.

Where: Kachiguda Railway Station, Kachiguda, Hyderabad.

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Maya Ka Swayamvar

(This blog does not intend to hurt the sentiments of anyone. Any reference to any person living or dead is not meant to demean them and should not be taken seriously.)

On yet another un-eventful day when she transferred 26278 IAS, IPS, IFS, ICS, PCS, TCS, MNS, XXS officers and ordered installation of 626838 more statues of hers and 2 of Kanshi Ram she decided that finally she needs a man to protect her from 24x7 conspiracies of SP, Congress, BJP, RJD, BJD, INLD, UPA, NDA, IRA and 245262 other political parties across the world.

Supremely PR concious that she is, she took a cue from Rakhi Ka Swayamvar which left little to (NDTV) Imagine about her seriousness in getting knotty.

BSP decided to celebrate this momentous day as 'Shaadi Karo Diwas' (Get Married Day). Opposition parties, visibly jealous of her matrimonial affairs, decided to celebrate it as 'Sarkaar ko Talaaq Do Diwas' (Divorce this Government Day). The association of marriage counselors applauded opposition as they anticipated an increase in their clientale. The association of wedding planners publically thanked Mayawati as they believed people will get inspired by their supreme leader and get married in expensive wedding ceremonies. But their joy was shortlived as Mayawati asked them to cut the crap and send a cheque of Rs. 400 million.

BSP MLAs and MPs were given mandate to recieve cash 'gifts' from their constituencies. The opposition claimed that Government is collecting money forcibly but Satish Chandra Mishra explained to an excited media that party members were just acting as facilitators for public which wanted to give a shagun in their beloved CM's marriage but didn't know how to do so. He also announced that all the cash gifts would be exempted from income tax but this proposal was shot down by income tax department. Responding to this Mayawati said that this is yet another instance that Congress was conspiring to kill her, insult the dalits and prohibiting development of U.P.

As for the venue of Swayamvar, Ambedkar Park was chosen unanimously and since it does not have residential facilities yet, PWD was instructed to raze the nearby hostel and construct a 5-star hotel in place of it. Responding to a PIL filed in Supreme Court to what opposition and media criticised as wasteful expenditure of public money, Government said that the revenue generated by advertising would be utilized in further expanding of Ambedkar Park and installing more statues of Mayawati which would in turn give boost to tourism. The Supreme Court was convinced by noted artist and sculptors from France who said Mayawati's statues are fast gaining popularity and would soon overtake Monalisa as most clicked work of art.

On the scheduled day however there was not even a single suitor at the venue much to chagrin of the channel, advertisers and Mayawati and much to amusement of opposition and national and international media। Mayawati claimed that this is yet another instance that Congress was conspiring to kill her, insult the dalits and prohibiting development of U.P. The Government appointed a CBI enquiry which is yet to give its report but insiders tell us that it was the fine print of the contract of the Swayamvar which said every participant who is rejected by Mayawati would be charged with non-bailable offences under SC/ST Atrocities Prevention Act and their houses would be torched.

(Read this post in Hindi: माया का स्वयंवर)

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When I am too lazy to write!

Ankur's status message: Stop judging me
My status message: I am choosy. I love 'Pink' Floyd!

Ankur pings me: No, you are old. You love Pink Floyd.
I ping Ankur: Stop judging me!

Ankur says: :)
I say: :)

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