What if they remade “Modern Family” in India?

First of all it won’t be a comedy. It will be a soap opera. Soapiest of the operas. With a lot of changes. A bloody hell lot of changes!

1. Pritchets would be Parashars, needless to say a rich business family and you would never know (in the course of its 14836392 episodes) what in God’s name is the damn business.
2. Jay Pritchet would be Jai Parashar and he would have at least 2 brothers. (yes, no sisters because on Indian TV you are more likely to have brothers than sisters, unless the serial is about the sister!) Of course the brothers would have their own families and everyone would be living under a single roof (of a giant-ass bungalow named ‘Parashar Villa’). Half of those 14836392 episodes would be spent in family preparing to cook meals, cooking those meals, eating them, praising the ‘Bahus’ for preparing the meals and taking second helpings of their ‘manpasand gajar-ka-halwa’.
3. Gloria would be a South Indian named Gauri (or Gayatri). She would have a thick Tamil accent and would not be half the age of Jai because on Indian TV even if people marry twice (oh you’ve no idea how many times they marry on TV!) they marry someone their age. And there always is some one willing to marry a widow or widower.
4. Dunphys would be Dubeys and this family would be more or less same. Phil would be Phani, Claire would be Cauvery and theirs would be an arranged marriage because, obviously! And oh yes, Haley won’t have any affairs because teenagers on Indian TV are supposed to be either gentle, docile, God (and parents) fearing, moral cardboard characters or aggressive, conniving, amoral cardboard characters and lest you forget, cardboard characters can’t have relationships.
5. Cam and Mitch won’t be gays. Cam would be a woman, named Kamya and they would be married because on Indian TV a) you can’t be a gay character and b) you definitely can’t be living in with your partner even if you are not gay. Kamya’s parents would be more important characters and they would definitely be taking more interest in their daughter’s life and her share in Parashar’s business and money. Because on Indian TV, in-laws are either back-slapping, merrily-laughing, gajar-ka-halwa-munching ‘Samdhis’ or they are back-stabbing, scheming, scowling SOBs whose appearance is accompanied by evil music.
6. Luke would be the sharp one, not Alex. Because on Indian TV, how can the son not be the torch bearer.
7. There would background score. Plenty of it. The regular happy, sad, naughty (not THAT kind of naughty you know, nothin’ on Indian TV is THAT kind of naughty!), scheming music pieces along with that familiar ‘balle-balle’ sound everytime a Sikh guy shows up and a ‘hadippa’ everytime he opens his mouth. Basically any subtle moment would be dealt with a sledgehammer of background score, just in case you need to know what to feel when watching the show at any given time.
8. And last but definitely not the least it would be called ‘Family No. 1’. Because Indian TV loves its numbers and nothing on it can be modern anyways.

The makers of this show don’t need to worry about copyright issues. I am absolutely sure that ‘Modern Family’ writers won’t be able to pick any traces of their show from its Indianized version.

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What happened to Imagine TV?

After watching first episode Imagine TV's new reality show 'Gazab Desh Ki Ajab Kahaniyan' (which seemed a rehashed version of its own earlier show 'Rakhee Ka Insaaf' which was infact an Indianised version of 'Judge Amy' on CBS-TV) I felt a tinge of sadness.

Now I understand that after watching a show starring Rakhee

Sawant (who must be now majority share holder or senior office bearer in Imagine TV, if regularity or importance of her shows are any indicators) you can feel anything but sadness. But I felt sad for

the channel. It's like seeing your favorite and once bright student in class getting ruined.

Imagine TV was once my favorite. When launched as NDTV Imagine with much fanfare and Karan Johar as an associate (which meant Karan used to host a show) the channel's line up was so different from its contemporaries and competitors that it was a study in contrast from other newly launched 9X. While 9X had same kind of saas-bahu serials that were running on other leading GECs Star Plus, Zee and Sony, Imagine had a refreshing mix of programs.

The soaps (few of which were women-oriented) had a completely different and fresh feel to them courtesy, a mature treatment and urban setting which ensured that the channel didn't look like yet another GEC clone. And then there were reality shows most notable of which was Farhan

Akhtar's 'Oye It's Friday'. High on production values and higher on entertainment quotient OIF was the crown prince of Imagine's lineu

p. But the show which brought maximum TRP to the channel was a new version of 'Ramayan'! Produced by Sagar Entertainment which kept the style of the show EXACTLY similar to the original series, success of 'Ramayan' surprised everyone. It showed that the channel management was ready to balance between new and old ideas and have a healthy mix of both.

But it seemed the soaps were ahead of their times because it was still the age of 'Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki' and 'Kyunki..'. Sony had not reformed itself and though clearly ahead of 9X and Real (which hardly was a blip on the GEC radar) Imagine's successes were limited. And with big bang-big budget arrival of Colors even the leader was threatened.

Imagine's shows too began to follow the 'market trend'. If rural setting was in fashion, then we had a village. If social issues were the trend, we had a bunch of those. If middle class was in vogue, then we had a middle class belle. "If you can't beat them, join them" was the mantra. While surfing apart from channel logo, there was nothing in Imagine's programming which would differentiate it from any other GEC.

And then somewhere down the line 'Rakhee Ka Swayamvar' happened! This was both good and bad for the channel. Good because it gave tremendous TRP. Headlines Today (a laggard in English News Channels) topped the tables that week just because they gave the finale of the show massive coverage!!

Bad because it started a trend of bad reality shows on the channel. 'Raaz Pichhle Janam Ka' was another annual atrocity and then last year we had a lame 'Zor Ka Jhatka' (Indianised version of 'Total Wipeout') which even SRK couldn't salvage.

Imagine CEO Sameer Nair had said in an interview once that they want to settle as a competitive 4th or easy 5th (meaning just after Star,Zee, Colors and Sony and well ahead of others) but latest reports say that even Star One and SAB TV beat his channel comprehensively.

And I guess now their hopes are pinned on loudmouth Rakhee who is back on Imagine in a show ('Gazab Desh..) whose PR was focussing around her demands for a particular type of underwear! How low can you stoop...Imagine!

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A tale of two tales. Dhobi Ghat and 127 Hours

Last week I watched two movies which evoked extreme reactions from movie goers: 'Dhobi Ghat' and '127 Hours', specially the former.

'Dhobi Ghaat' is a commercial success no doubt but Kiran Rao's maiden directorial venture is not your regular commercial film and with an abstract story line that tries to string the characters very loosely, it wasn't difficult to understand why people were restless. However being restless is one thing and being jackass is another. My whole experience of watching the movie was ruined by people chattering loudly about how lame the film is and laughing where I couldn't even spot the joke. Like a scene where classical music is playing in painter Arun's house. I mean WTF? Since when classical music has become a joke to be laughed at loud? And if you are so annoyed by a film, for God's sake get the hell out of the hall and let those who want to watch it in peace, do so.

It is a film where you have to go with an open mind and give the film a chance to work its charm on you. Prateik Babbar is enthrallingly fresh Monica Dogra get's lion's share of screen time and she is defintely good. However I liked the way the fourth story and character of Muslim girl (played by Kriti Malhotra) has been presented. As a fact this girl is not even a live character in the movie but she has been brought to life by her diaries and though her story doesn't have much of an impact on the course of the plot, it is very engaging and heart wrenching.

Yes, the film is a drag at certain points but then the amazing background score by Oscar winner Gustavo Santolalla is enough to enjoy even those parts.

Second film '127 Hours' didn't have to face such bad reactions however many people considered

it to be slow and dragging. My question to these people is: what the hell did you expect in a story of a man stuck for 5 days in a crevice? I am sure if it was a Bollywood/Tollywood/Kollywood film helmed by some masala director, there would have been plenty of flashbacks where hero's entire life would have been shown to us. A couple of romantic songs and if producer demanded, even an item number!

And the absence of all these distractions is what I loved most about '127 Hours'. Danny Boyle has kept the focus solely on the man trapped. The delusions and devils that are in his minds and how he resolves not to loose his hope and will to survive and how he tries to find humor even in his dire condition. My favorite sequence is when he believes that in his entire life, all his actions have been forcing him to this 'crack on the face of earth'. This thought is gut wrenching and coupled with spectacular shot of the crevice in the Grand Canyon it's impact is multiplied many fold.

Amputation scene is gross and I admit that I could not watch it. James Franco is adjective defyingly good and the cinematography by Anthony Dod Mantle and Enrique Chediak (the sequences shot at close quarters in the crevice are stunning) is superb. I had been hearing the OST of this film but to understand how impressive it is, you must watch the film. A. R. Rahman's music actually enhances the flavor of scenes. It may not win any awards but I really feel it is better than Slumdog Millionaire's.

One last thing. I think Leonardo di Caprio could have played Aron Ralston as good as James Franco, only Franco looks like carbon copy of Ralston. What do you say?

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