Thursday, September 03, 2015

What if they remade “Modern Family” in India?

First of all it won’t be a comedy. It will be a soap opera. Soapiest of the operas. With a lot of changes. A bloody hell lot of changes!

  1. Pritchets would be Parashars, needless to say a rich business family and you would never know (in the course of its 14836392 episodes) what in God’s name is the damn business.
  2. Jay Pritchet would be Jai Parashar and he would have at least 2 brothers. (yes, no sisters because on Indian TV you are more likely to have brothers than sisters, unless the serial is about the sister!) Of course the brothers would have their own families and everyone would be living under a single roof (of a giant-ass bungalow named ‘Parashar Villa’). Half of those 14836392 episodes would be spent in family preparing to cook meals, cooking those meals, eating them, praising the ‘Bahus’ for preparing the meals and taking second helpings of their ‘manpasand gajar-ka-halwa’.
  3. Gloria would be a South Indian named Gauri (or Gayatri). She would have a thick Tamil accent and would not be half the age of Jai because on Indian TV even if people marry twice (oh you’ve no idea how many times they marry on TV!) they marry someone their age. And there always is some one willing to marry a widow or widower.
  4. Dunphys would be Dubeys and this family would be more or less same. Phil would be Phani, Claire would be Cauvery and theirs would be an arranged marriage because, obviously! And oh yes, Haley won’t have any affairs because teenagers on Indian TV are supposed to be either gentle, docile, God (and parents) fearing, moral cardboard characters or aggressive, conniving, amoral cardboard characters and lest you forget, cardboard characters can’t have relationships.
  5. Cam and Mitch won’t be gays. Cam would be a woman, named Kamya and they would be married because on Indian TV a) you can’t be a gay character and b) you definitely can’t be living in with your partner even if you are not gay. Kamya’s parents would be more important characters and they would definitely be taking more interest in their daughter’s life and her share in Parashar’s business and money. Because on Indian TV, in-laws are either back-slapping, merrily-laughing, gajar-ka-halwa-munching ‘Samdhis’ or they are back-stabbing, scheming, scowling SOBs whose appearance is accompanied by evil music.
  6. Luke would be the sharp one, not Alex. Because on Indian TV, how can the son not be the torch bearer.
  7. There would background score. Plenty of it. The regular happy, sad, naughty (not THAT kind of naughty you know, nothin’ on Indian TV is THAT kind of naughty!), scheming music pieces along with that familiar ‘balle-balle’ sound everytime a Sikh guy shows up and a ‘hadippa’ everytime he opens his mouth. Basically any subtle moment would be dealt with a sledgehammer of background score, just in case you need to know what to feel when watching the show at any given time.
  8. And last but definitely not the least it would be called ‘Family No. 1’. Because Indian TV loves its numbers and nothing on it can be modern anyways.
The makers of this show don’t need to worry about copyright issues. I am absolutely sure that ‘Modern Family’ writers won’t be able to pick any traces of their show from its Indianized version.